Frontier Psychiatrist

Snap Judgements on 5 Days of Olympic Competition

Posted on: August 1, 2012

Olympic Badminton

America and China are awesome. Tied at 23 medals apiece, it’s obvious why these are the top two nations in the world: America because it sucks in freakishly gifted people from all over the globe, claims them as its own, then gives them frightening and overbearing mothers intent on living out their failed ambitions through their mutant children, and China because apparently there’s very few things that 10 year old Chinese kids can’t do well.

Japan is a cliché. Nearly half of their medals have been in Judo.

How the fuck is ______ an Olympic Sport?

  • Handball
  • Synchronized Diving
  • Badminton
  • Single-Person Sailing

Romania has won most of its medals in either shooting, weightlifting or judo…Furthering cementing its place as the world supplier of grizzled, silent badasses for American action stars to fight and kill in the first two acts of a movie.

North Korean lifts three times his own body weight to win weightlifting gold medal and when asked how such a thing was possible, attributes his success to the Great Leader, Kim Jong-Il. That’s not a joke.

Dear Kazakhstan…

If you’re trying to live down the Borat movie, winning 2 of your 3 medals in Women’s Weightlifting probably isn’t the right way to go about it.

Colombia has only won 2 silver medals thus far…

However, the kidnapping, extortion and bribe a police officer events have yet to be played.

Mexico got second place in both Men and Women’s Synchronized Diving…

That’s both cute and very, very sad.

France took Gold in the Men’s Single Kayak….

I don’t have a joke for that but say it out loud and see if you don’t laugh.

The Final for Men’s Fencing came down two Master Swordsmen, one from Egypt, the other China…

Will someone in Hollywood please run with this concept?

Poland placed for Silver in Women’s 10m Air Rifle….

They also entered the Lightbulb Screwing Event but were disqualified for having too many men on the field.

Oh yeah, Sweden?  Your one medal was for Individual Equestrian Eventing?  Individual Equestrian Eventing.

Serbia’s only medal so far is a Bronze in Men’s 10m Air Pistol? Just out of curiosity, how long do you have to wait after a horrific civil war to make Air Pistol jokes?

ONLY 1 MEDAL, INDIA?  SERIOUSLY? Roughly every 7th person in the world is Indian.  Surely a few of those 1.1 billion people have to be good at one of these pointless pseudo-athletic activities!  GET IT TOGETHER!

Holy Shit, the Eastern Block Countries are Frighting. The number of medals won by former Soviet satellites from Eastern Europe in either weightlifting, shooting or judo:  9.

Countries Which Have yet to win a medal which I did not know existed:

  • Burkina Faso
  • Cape Verde
  • Comoros
  • Cook Islands
  • Kiribati
  • Jabwasi
  • Palau
  • St. Kitts and Nevis
  • Sao Tome and Principe
  • Tuvalu
  • Vanuatu

(I made up one of those countries.)

Jared Thomas is an author and scriptwriter living in Brooklyn. His works include The Street Dreams of Electric Youth, The Last Amesha, and Gre & The Devil. An FP staff writer, his recent pieces include Don’t Blame Batman for the Colorado Shootings, the Top 10 Korean Pop Videos of 2012 (So Far), and an account of drinking 100 Rieslings in one day.


1 Response to "Snap Judgements on 5 Days of Olympic Competition"

[…] Dreams of Electric Youth, The Last Amesha, and Gre & The Devil. His recent FP pieces include Snap Judgments on 5 Days of Olympic Competition, Don’t Blame Batman for the Colorado Shootings, and the Top 10 Korean Pop Videos of 2012 (So […]

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